I thought I would get back to writing the blog again as it really helped me vent and tell what was on my mind while Gavin was in treatment.
The last few weeks have not been easy on any of our family. In the last 7 weeks we have lost my uncle, Gavin and then last week my aunt (who was married to my uncle who also passed) all to cancer... and all on a Tuesday, which is bizarre..
I think we have all had our share of people passing for now.
How do I feel, a few words come to mind. Lost, Sad, Empty, angry, denial...and many more.
We go to see Gavin every day, and every day I just stare at his grave and cry and wonder why and how this has happened and I know I may never have these answers but I will still keep asking them.
I know we must pick ourselves up and continue on that is what Gavin would have wanted. He hated anyone being a "wuss" as he called it...:)
Going out and meeting people is hard because some people don't know how to react around you. I know I am probably guilty of this myself in the past but we have now analyzed people’s reactions to our family and my extended family.
- People Tilt their heads to the side when the see you or talk to you.
- "Are you sleeping"...
- "Are you eating"...
- Rub your arm or back for some reason while talking to you with their tilted head.
Last week Lucy woke upset one night and was crying saying she didn't want to go asleep, as she was afraid she wouldn’t wake up just like Gavin. Jayne and I explained that Gavin was very sick and not to worry but we felt so bad she had these thoughts. We all speak about Gavin as much in our daily lives and so do Conor and Lucy who we hope will help but we will keep a close eye on them from now on.
It is very hard to try and keep busy since all our time was hospital or caring for Gavin. What was normal life that is the big question as the last 3 years have been so full on.
For now I try and plan out daily tasks even 1 thing that needs to be done, that way I can keep focused.
Jayne and I have decided to start back training this week, which will help us both mentally, and physically in time...
We are also going to continue in Gavin's name and his legacy of helping others, which will be amazing.
All we can do is take 1 day at a time, and see what it brings. We have many challenges ahead that's for sure but we are not alone, we will never be alone, we have one very bright star shining down on us that’s for sure.
Sleep well buddy, we all love and miss you so much